The In-Between Years

Author:  Lilly

Statistically speaking it is estimated that up to 38 percent of women engage in more risky sexual behaviors after experiencing a sexual assault than they did prior to the attack, while 48 percent significantly reduce their risky behavior.  Statistically speaking that leaves 14 percent of women who fall somewhere outside of those two options.  Lilly wasn’t a statistician, and she didn’t know or care about what other people did.  She was a fourteen year-old entering high school with a chance to redefine her self.

Middle school had been kind to Lilly.  Or rather, it had not been unkind.  While other children were searching for their identities she was busy perfecting her game face.  No one needed to know anything about who she really was or what she really felt about anything.  She had no desire to belong, excel, or shine.  She only wanted to fit in, and she could do that well.  She wasn’t afraid of high school like most of her friends were.  It was a bigger fish bowl and she looked forward to swimming in it.  Lilly learned how to put on a face – literally and figuratively – by the time her Freshman year started, and that gave her a sense of comfort.

The first day of school she was invited over to the Junior Boys table.  Traditionally one or two Freshmen girls were asked to sit with the older boys, and though Lilly was not particularly intrigued a friend she was sitting with was.  This simple decision of where to sit while eating her Mexican Pizza proved to be the spring-board over all of the socially awkward steps she would see others in her class take.  Without any effort on her part she was accepted, and she liked it.

Eventually, she became somehow “desired.”  Some wanted her for her looks, others for her attitude.  Some would ask her out simply because other boys did.  What none of them knew, and what she herself didn’t even realize, was that she was what anyone wanted her to be.  A chameleon that hid in plain site.  With the jock she could talk football, with the actor she could discuss methods, with the Junior Class President she provided a lovely piece of arm candy.  Whatever a boy needed that’s what she could be, and the false confidence she radiated didn’t hurt either.

After going out with two of the boys from the table she was asked out by the Junior Class Prez, and that was the first relationship that she actually became vested in.  Jeff was a popular boy with a wonderful smile and a goofy laugh.  She enjoyed his company and would often let her guard down with him.  He became what would be called her first real love.  The first person of the opposite sex whom she would think about when he was absent, who she would bake cookies for, and who she would allow to see her without her “face” on.  He was the first she would cry in front of and the first she would have sex, by choice, with.

Fumblings in the back of a hatchback on an empty airport runway would prove to be the catalysts in a lot of life’s future decisions for Lilly.  Sex didn’t scare her, and though she had not had it since that horrible day she wasn’t nearly as nervous as Jeff was.  She was confident as he was shaky, she explained what went where, and what felt good, and though she cried, it wasn’t due to pain, but rather elation at feeling in control of an out of control situation.

For a year she and Jeff would remain together, and she loved him as much as a young girl can love another.  And he loved her too.  Until one day she didn’t, and he didn’t, and unlike others who were experiencing young love and falling into the turbulent roles of sexually aggressive bi-polar beings they simply went their separate ways.  She was happy to spend time with her friends, and he was happy to find another piece of arm candy.  It was actually a rather mature break-up considering their ages.

Lilly next fell for a musician.  A friend from middle-school who had moved away only to return as some sort of shaggy haired intellectual who not only made her feel out of control, but made her think about everything that she said.  Adam would play her songs on the guitar and sing to her.  He would make her mix-tapes and they would drive to the beach at night so they could dance bare-footed in the sand in the head-lights of his car.  After six months of foreplay the relationship was consummated, and for the remainder of their relationship their sex life was an active one.  He would write lyrics to songs on her naked back and sing her to sleep on lazy Sunday afternoons.  They were both sixteen, and though he eventually moved away to live with his father weekend trips to visit his Mother were always exciting.  During the week Lilly hung out with her friend’s, attended club meetings and worked at the local comic book store.  On the weekend she and Adam fell into each other.  For Christmas he gave her a promise ring, and she believed, as I’m sure most young girls do, that he was the one.  A belief that she held on to even after he began coming to town less frequently, began acting erratically, and stopped sending as many mix-tapes.  Drugs, sadly, became a big part of his life, and a call from him informing her that they would not need the limo she had reserved for her Junior Prom because his father would be driving them since Adam had been busted with a quarter bag sealed the fate of their relationship.

Ever resilient, and unwilling to not go to Prom, Lilly enlisted the services of a friend named Jack.  Jack was in the process of dating not one, not two, but three other girls, and Lilly who spent her breaks from the comic shop hanging out at the record store he worked at knew that he would be willing to take a night out of his busy schedule to return to high-school and see some old friends.

Unable to get a tux due to such short notice Jack wore jeans and a jacket.  He promised not to smoke for the night (Lilly never thought smoking was cool), and even agreed to call his “girlfriends” all of whom were in high-school and none of whom he was taking to the prom to explain the situation about their “friendly” date so as to ensure there was no confusion.  Never a friend of outward drama Lilly had no desire to be hated by girls she actually liked because of circumstances Adam had put her in.  He even went to the florist and picked up the corsage and boutonniere that she had ordered.

They danced and laughed and had a wonderful time, and after being at her Junior Prom for an hour they decided to leave to go to a dance club on Jax Beach where they continued to laugh and dance and talk and…laugh.  They were just friends, and they were enjoying being with each other without all of the added pressure of what they were supposed to feel.  As the night, or rather morning, wound on they decided to go for a walk on the beach.

Everyone was clearing out of the club and as most nights ended at Einstein’s A Go-Go,  making their way to the shoreline.  Lilly loved the feel of the squishing sand between her toes, the sound of the waves in the dark, the feel of the air off of the water, the smell of clove cigarettes lingering from all of the club kids.  She loved how Jack walked next to her, how he laughed at her dipping her toes in the water, how he told her how much he loved the moon.

She laughed when he suddenly grabbed her hand and sat down in the water soaking her after prom dress, and laughed harder when he told her that more people should howl at the moon more often and let our an animalistic sound from his throat that others walking along the beach instantly mimicked.  She giggled when he discarded his jacket and shirt and ran into the water, and without much hesitation she went in after him.   They splashed water at each other, and swam around in the moonlight.  Lilly was utterly happy and carefree and eventually they began making their way back to the shore.  She loved looking at him in the moonlight, but wasn’t thinking about what she should do, what she would do, she was just enjoying being with someone who wanted nothing from her.

Lilly thanked him then, as they began walking towards the access ramp.  Thanked him for taking her, thanked him for risking his many other relationships, thanked him for the swim.  She watched as the salt water dripped from his damp hair and wondered why she had never seen him like this before, and hoped they could hang out again soon. Realizing she had left her shoes at the waters edged she grabbed his hand to turn him around to go back with her and felt what she would always describe as a spark.  Jack felt it too and in that moment placed his hands on either side of her face, bent his head down as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed her, water from his hair falling onto her face.  Lilly had been happy all night, she had been thoughtless and free, and she had thoroughly enjoyed herself …. until he kissed her, and for the first time since she was twelve years old, Lilly felt completely out of control.

Tweet This Post Facebook